I wrote this in the underbelly of late February 2021, when my world felt very dark. Writing it made me feel less lonely. If you’re in the underbelly now, or have ever been, I hope it makes you feel less lonely too.
Note: This post includes descriptions of anxiety, depression, and some suicidal ideation. If that’s not something you feel like reading today, go ahead and skip to the next post.
How I’ve Been Doing Lately
Excerpt From A Recurring Phone Conversation With Wonderful Friends
Friend: Hann! How the heck are you?
Me: I am bad! I am so very bad! How are you?
Portrait of a Girl Who Feels Very Bad
There is a voice that is so loud inside of my ears. If you’re not better, you’re not working hard enough, and if you’re not working hard enough, you might as well just not exist. Have you used your strategies? Taken your meds? Are you on too many meds? Did you exercise yet? Are you sure you exercised hard enough? Fresh air? Talk to your therapist? Okay, what’s the problem, then?
A dark tangle of energy wrestles inside me. It growls and snarls and catapults itself from one corner to another, looking for relief, scraping my insides until they’re raw. My insides feel so fucking raw.
My memory is shit and my concentration is shit and I cry at my parents’ kitchen table until I dry heave.
It feels bad.
Love Note to A Girl Who Feels Very Bad
There is so much heaviness in the world, in your world, in you. The sensations inside of you are strong because that’s who and how you are. You are worthy of comfort and rest. The joy will come back.
Where you are and what you’re doing is enough. Even when you miss a deadline. (Even when you miss all the deadlines.) Even when your words feel wrong and you feel wrong and you just have to hyperventilate on the floor for a little while.
You can’t write the end when you’re in the middle.
Relax your white knuckles.
Soft is how we survive.
We’ll keep going messy along.