My mom entered my childhood bedroom on Saturday morning as she often does: before 8am, and with an announcement.
“In these uncertain times…” is a phrase I’m really starting to hate. “Now more than ever…” is another group of words I’d like to punch in the face.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the day everything changed. When it became clear there was going to be a before and an after, and we realized that we were suspended somewhere in between.
If you haven’t witnessed an elementary school car parade, you should.
Nana has survived some shit. This, we have always known. It explains her morbidly optimistic outlook, her incredible ability to move forward in the face of adversity, and much of our family’s collective neuroses. But how did she do it?
Have you ever had a panic attack? It struck me this week that many people may never have felt the weary tightness in their chest, watched helplessly as the world tilted behind their eyes, been overcome by a silent, lurking, whirling darkness.
We are in hiding from a silent, invisible monster.
The world is in hiding, together.
Running forward, jumping in, attacking head on, knocking over lampshades and stepping in potholes, moving with the clunky conviction of an oversized ship that has set its course without looking at the map. Moving, moving, onto what’s next, towards somewhere, a shoulder smacking against the wall, a trap door opening underfoot. We are clumsy and the floor is gone and there is pain. But we lean on each other. Grief has stolen the floor, but we lean on each other. Your elbow here, my arm there, and if we all stand in a circle we will hold each other up. When you are heavy, I will hold you. When I am heavy, I will give you my body to hold. When we are both heavy, let us lay side by side with heads on shoulders until the weight lifts, even just for a second. We’ll keep searching in the dark, together.